The temperature of my tears // Les poèmes de Camille

by Camille Pellicer

1) birth
I was born in autumn on a Monday
And I’d like to think it was a beautiful day,
From a soft red cocoon to this blessed afternoon
In the least of beauty, at the outmost misery
As a murmur, as a shadow,
I appeared as a little blue rose, fruit of an unloved union
Welcome to the world of untold delusion
I see the earth before me and I wait, wait, wait, wait
At the dawn of fear I wonder, is this life worth the dance?
Is this life worth its sufferance?
Blind and dazed, the vicious air forces me to take a chance,
Teasing my throat, tickling my tongue as I shamefully take my first breath,
Shedding my very first tears at my foetus’s death
That day my tears were cold
Flowing through the untold

2) the ego
My essence blossomed into a hopeful little doll
Too delicate to play, too ignorant to fall
Until I caught a glimpse of my own reflection
My ego burst in complete rejection
As I looked at my porcelain skin,
Reflecting my pathetic human life as a sin
I don’t like what I see, mediocrity and my lack of beauty
I see the flame, the shame, the sweat and the regret, the echo of this collective infamy
I see my cage of weariness holding on to the woman I could never be,
Seducing the villains, my vain soul claiming its liberty
The naked solitude chasing the angels of my destiny
That day my tears were warm
Rolling with disgust, too blasé to perform

3) the earth
When the wilting leaves were cracking, when the rattling wind was howling,
I looked outside my window and I saw the earth shaking and the trees burning
The angry sky hunting the hope of our foolish souls, surviving lives hiding in dusty holes
After a thousand human dreams,
After a thousand violent streams
The air is empty of innocence and the obscure land grieves the phantom sun
A sanctuary of agony ready for convenient oblivion until there will be none
That day my tears were hot,
blessed with horror,
melting my skin, with shameful water,
flooding the blood of our murderous little world

4) love
But I am not alone,
To feel, that fervent desire oh too well known,
With the immortal heart that I do not possess,
I fell in love with you without any promesse
I placed my lips in the sky and your words a star with a single caress
Even the moon was moaning at the sight of our savage embrace
My hope, barely disfigured, rushed into this candid animosity,
Love be revive with sublimity and exaltation behind that dark mask I can no longer carry,
Lost in this sweet, sweet, sweet loving debauchery and never ending ecstasy
Your vicious hands dancing through this obscene violence, I began to finally be
Days and nights to understand, how one could get so lost, in this poisonous loving chaos,
When you were gone, I closed my eyes not to see,
I closed my eyes before the ashes of our passion,
I scattered flowers in the graveyard of our love
That day my tears were burning,
scorching my corrupted flesh, leaving scars on my spirit mourning,
I became water again,
Pure and damned


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